The Less You Resist Your Suffering…

The less your resist your suffering, the sooner it passes.

A simple truth, but a profoundly liberating one. Non-resistance forms the basis of the first step in the practice of freedom I teach. You have to accept what is happening if you want to be free of it. Ultimately, you have to welcome it because it is showing you where you are not yet free.

If you avoid, reject, or try to deny your suffering—whether it is anxiety, fear, resentment, anger, guilt, loneliness, or something else—you only make it worse. Or, as the old saying goes: “If you run away from a ghost it will chase you and haunt you for the rest of your life, but if you stop and turn and face it, it will disappear, because ghosts aren’t real.”

As an example of what I mean by non-resistance, I want to share an excerpt from a new book I am writing. I kept a meditation journal 28 years ago, at a time when I was in the process of selling my chiropractic practice in Santa Rosa, and getting ready for an extended trip through South East Asia, which was really spiritual journey for me. It was a time for me of great uncertainty, anxiety, and insecurity. I was still many years away from realizing my true nature,

The book’s tentative title is Before and After Awakening: An Old Meditation Journal and my Experience Now. This excerpt is from April 26, 1983. The journal itself is enclosed in quotation marks, and my comments today are in italics.

“Barb and I fought last night, a “you’re wrong and I’m right” clash as all fights are. I think I was the wrong one though, the instigator. My inner voice always tells me what’s so and yet I still persist in ignoring it, in being “right” anyway. Sometimes I just don’t want to hear the truth about myself. Sitting as I am now, just being here, feeling ever more light and free, all I feel is love for Barb. Now it doesn’t matter what she says or does. What happens at those other times then, when one or both of us falls apart?”

*

“Falling apart is the clue, perhaps? Here, now, I am not falling apart. On the contrary I am coming more and more together.”

*

“This is the quality of energy—whole, intact, indestructible—I want to experience more of in my daily life. Not just when I am sitting.”

*

I was still very attached to feeling good, whole, at ease in those days (as opposed to feeling contracted, uncomfortable, lousy), and it wasn’t till I let go of the attachment to how I felt, in my body and my psyche, that I finally began to taste true freedom. Of course, this is the ego at work, the “I” that wants to feel this particular way (whatever makes it feel “good”), and resists feeling that way (whatever makes it feel “bad”).

Basically, the ego is a judging machine. It is forever judging what is in its best interests—and the physical body that it deems an extension of “it.” But when the truth is realized—that we have an ego, but we are not our ego—then the whole body/mind relaxes, and we find ourselves in the natural state.

We are always, for the most part, relaxed, at ease, and in the flow. And when there is discomfort, or even a major health crisis, like the strokes I had at the end of 2003, we just deal with what’s so, and flow with it as best we can. But we always remain calm, clear, and present.

*

“When I am very still, as I am right now, there is an extraordinary sense of lightness and my awareness is unobstructed, translucent. There is nothing in the way. It is as if every cobweb of memory, every trace of thought, has been blown or swept away and there is just this refreshing clarity. How easy it is to “lose” it though, to drop back into the mind state with all its needs, desires, fears, regrets, hopes, doubts, obsessions. It that what the “fall from grace” really means?”

*

The “fall from grace” is actually the descent back into the ego, the “I” or “me.” The problem, I would eventually realize, is not the mind which, left to itself, is an amazingly brilliant instrument for reflection, creativity (everything made by humans began as an idea in someone’s mind!), and communication.

But it’s as “we,” as the ego-self, get identified with the mind that all “our” problems—and all suffering—begins. Freedom is seeing that we’re not this “I,” this “me,” but rather this ever-present, aware being that gives birth to the idea of “I” and “me.” This has to be seen again and again until we get it, realize it.

The Essence of Awakening

We are a story-telling people, but it is important to understand the connection between our stories, our thoughts, and the emotional states that result—especially those that cause suffering like anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, self-judgment, resentment, anger, and so on.

Making this connection is vital to freedom or liberation, and forms the basis of the inner, spiritual journey as we seek to discover who and what we really are beyond all our ideas about ourselves. Eventually, if we have the courage to journey deep enough and face our fears, we realize that we are in fact not our thoughts, beliefs, or stories. These—like the emotions they trigger—come and go, yet we, as the ever-present, conscious beings watching, witnessing, and experiencing life, are always here.

Understanding this is the essence of awakening, enlightenment, or self-realization. It happens through a perceptual shift, when we finally, after much self-inquiry, see the truth: that the “I,” the ego, the psychological and emotional “person” that we always believed we were only appears to exist, but we cannot actually find it anywhere! Like our beliefs and stories, it is not real—in the sense of being always here—and never was.

This realization produces great and enduring relief, a freedom (as free as any of us can be) from all inner conflict, fear, and suffering. Such a gift! Our endless seeking for who “we” are comes to an end. We now know who we are.

And what do we know? Essentially, that there is no separation, that we are One with everything, and only this present moment—right here, right now—exists. Our true nature, in other words—our true “I,” or Self—is pure, spacious, timeless consciousness expressing through these bodies, minds, and personalities know as “us.”

As we allow this realization to sink in, it’s like breathing pure oxygen. We feel exhilarated, rejuvenated, and empowered. We’ve reconnected to pure existence itself, our true, authentic nature. Our emotional state is one of ease, harmony, and flow—and an immense gratitude for life.

Now the outer journey begins in earnest, learning to embody this presence, wisdom, and love that is ours in the busy marketplace of daily life. We use the power of thought, of story, to ponder, communicate, create, and above all connect with others, with our community, in a deep, conscious, heartfelt way, so that we can collectively celebrate our joys and address the challenges facing us…

Working with the Residues of Grief

Recently I saw a woman, whom I’ll call Alison, who admitted to me that she wasn’t very “free.” She had chronic fibromyalgia, which meant she was in constant pain on the right side of her body, and this affected her ability to work. She worked as a dog-walker for an agency, and they called her at all kinds of odd hours.

When she walked the dogs, she was usually experiencing pain from the fibromyalgia, and while she loved the dogs themselves, because she loved all animals, she mostly obsessed about the pain she felt. Then she was always thinking about the one-person show she had developed, and had performed a number of times (she was an actress). The show was really her life story, and it was in an ongoing state of development. It was her ultimate goal to be performing her show full-time. She wanted to make a professional living from it.

When she saw me the grief in her eyes, her look, was obvious. She told me the story behind it. Her mother had died over two years ago and she missed her terribly, having frequent sobbing fits. I asked her about the thought, the story she told herself when she had these bouts of intense grief. She told me it was always some version of, “I miss you, Mom…”

Then I asked about her cat, Petals, with whom she had been very close for many years, before she died last year. She said it was the same thing. Like her mother, Petals had been a true and constant companion in her life, and now both were gone. As she relayed this story to me, and the emotional memories they evoked, she started sobbing again. She said, through her tears, “I just miss Petals so much…”

I invited her to breathe deeply, slowly, and consciously into her emotional pain, and as she did this, she gradually became more relaxed and present, the weeping stopped, and after awhile, she smiled.

“What’s happening now?” I asked.

“I just feel more present, more here,” Alison said. “The smile was because of a memory, the way Petals always looked at me first, whenever I fed her… It was as if she was asking my permission, like ‘Is it okay for me to eat now?’”

“Tell me a similarly happy memory of your Mom,” I encouraged her.

She thought for a moment, and then smiled again. “Whenever I would worry about something, Mom would always stroke my hair in a particular way, and reassure me… And it always worked. I’d feel reassured, comforted…”

“Good,” I said, and then I invited her to just relax into silence, to experience her true nature as love, peace, and the harmonious flow of being.

After awhile, she smiled again, a smile of contentment. We just enjoyed each other’s presence.

“So, next time the grief comes up” I said, “just be in the pure experience of it, without any story, without telling yourself ‘I miss Mom so much,’ or ‘I miss Petals so much…’

Just allow yourself to surrender to, to honor, the pure feeling of the grief and I promise you, the grief will gradually leave you, and then you’ll have only the warm, feel-good memories of your Mom and Petals.”

I added: “Because we are not our stories, our memories about our departed loved ones… We have stories and memories about everything, of course, but freedom or self-realization is discovering we are not our thoughts and stories, but rather we are always this… This clear, luminous presence that is right here, right now…”

She smiled again as she heard my words. The presence between us was palpable, an exquisite sense of an alive, vibrating current.

“And guess what?”

“What?” she said, leaning toward me.

“As you stop living in the past and become more established in your true nature—in other words, in present-time awareness—the fibromyalgia pain will diminish, if not clear up all together. Either way, it will be manageable, tolerable. Everything becomes tolerable when you live in freedom.”

Testing My Patience

I have a friend, whom I'll call Roger, who is about ten or twelve years younger than me. He works as a handy-man and occasionally works for a trucking firm, loading and unloading trucks. But these are difficult economic times, and he doesn't have a lot or work, so he is behind on his rent. Fortunately, he has a very forgiving and understanding landlord, otherwise he'd be out on the street, and maybe homeless.

We've gotten together a number of times, usually to take a walk at the beach together. Afterwards I always offer to treat him to a meal and/or a drink, which he has difficulty accepting. As he says: "I have a problem with receiving gifts."

It's a common problem. Many others have it too, but it's not a problem I have. As I've written elsewhere, "If someone wants to give you money, or treat you in some other way, welcome it, open yourself to receiving their generosity, unless you really don't need it." Learning to open yourself to giving and receiving is part of the secret of flow, and of creating more abundance in your life.

The reason why I hang out with Roger is that we have a spiritual connection, a heart connection, and because he gives me a special gift: he tests my patience. How so? He is obsessive-compulsive, and his obsession manifests in an a particular way.

Whenever he gets into my car, he always leaves one leg outside the door while he bends forward, closes his eyes, rests his head on his hand, and breathes short, rapid breaths until his kundalini energy is 'just right,' and he can finally pull his leg in and shut the door, and we can drive off. This process can take a few minutes, or as long as ten minutes or more. Of course, the same thing happens when we get to our destination, and he goes to get out of the car!

Now, if I was the type who could be driven crazy, I would of course be driven crazy by this behavior! But I am a free man. I am awake, conscious. I live in the present. But, I am still very much a human being! So, I do get irritated, impatient with him, especially because this is not the only way his obsessive-compulsive behavior manifests.

Whenever he walks, he has to walk in a particular pattern, always clock-wise (I think!), and when he gets to a drive-way, he has to go back, or around it some way... I'm not quite sure, but I know I say to him a lot, "I'll just meet you at such-and-such a place!" And of course if it has been raining, he cannot walk over any wet ground, so that necessitates even more circumvention!

Why do I bother, you may ask? As I said, we have a heart connection. He is essentially a beautiful guy. When I pointed out to him the last time we got together that he spent much of his time preoccupied, and therefore wasn't really present with me, he denied it at first. But I explained myself. "You're preoccupied because you're always having to think about the route you're taking."

Then he got it. It was like an epiphany. It gave him something to really think about. I had offered, at the outset of our relationship, to help him, in whatever way I could, get free of his OCD.

Maybe this was a start.

Try To Be Kinder

My friend, Gil Younger says that as we extend our caring presence to another, we wake up more to the unity of our own true nature.

Extending our caring presence is a beautiful practice, and Gil's wisdom is exactly aligned with my own teaching around truth: that the freer and more conscious we are, the more we connect with everybody in a kind, loving, non-judging way. In short, in a caring way.

The word 'kind' is key here. To speak of 'loving yourself' or 'loving everybody' is really a tall order, and not very specific. You may well ask yourself, what does love really mean? How do I love myself, let alone love everybody else? But to contemplate being kind to yourself, and being kind to others, is manageable, do-able.

After all, what does it mean to be kind? It is simple: to be kind means to be gentle, compassionate, patient, polite, considerate, courteous, gracious, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding... I could go on, but you get the picture. These simple virtues I have just described are really the essence of love. As you embody them, you become a loving or caring person.

Speaking of kindness, I was a fan of Aldous Huxley, the famous British author and philosopher of the last century, for a number of years. It was through Huxley that my own spiritual journey began. I was reading Sybille Bedford's biography of him, and she wrote that Huxley, when asked by a radio interviewer which books he would want if he were marooned on a desert island, said that high on his list would be the Commentaries on Living by J. Krishnamurti.

Bedord then went on to describe Huxley's friendship with the well-known spiritual teacher, whom he met in Ojai, about an hour and a half north of Los Angeles, where Krishnamurti lived. Intrigued, I sent away for the Commentaries on Living and when I received them, those three volumes changed my life, started me on my search for truth, and resulted in the person I am today.

Anyway, Huxley, when asked at the end of his own life what wisdom he had to share with people, said this: "Try to be kinder." Try to be kinder... Indeed, if we could all achieve that, the world would be a much better place for all living in it.

Merging Wisdom with Love

I saw this quote at someone’s house recently, from Helen Keller: ‘The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with heart.’

Then there is this one, from Nisargadatta Maharaj: “Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, love is knowing I am everything, and between the two, my life moves.”

And, finally, this proverb: “The longest journey a man must take is the eighteen inches from his head to his heart.”

So, what do the above quotes have to do with what I want to write about? A new theme, or awareness, or focus of energy, is emerging from the depths of my being, and I got more clarity around it last night, when I attended a satsang, a meeting in truth. The satsang was given by my old friend Krishna, whom I’ve known since the Jean Klein days, when we were both students of his. It was a beautiful gathering of about twenty people, and Krishna was simply present with all of us. The energy of the group was exquisite: relaxed, flowing, deeply harmonious.

Krishna invited people to share. Someone talked about the realization of emptiness as an essential feature of awakening, and someone said how life was fundamentally meaningless. Then someone else said how the only real meaning was love, and that reminded me of the Nisargadatta quote above.

What is emerging from within me is a deeper understanding, a deeper embodiment, of the relationship between emptiness and love—my own journey from my ‘head to my heart,’ you might say!

We have to realize our essential nature as emptiness in order to free ourselves from conflict and suffering, but then the only thing to ‘do’ is to love… to share our love and light with others, and with the world.

This is how the healing of humanity will occur: as each person realizes their natural divinity, the luminous emptiness of their true nature, that realization will move them to take loving action in their daily lives.

The three-step practice of freedom as described in my book, end your story. Begin your life… is a powerful, simple tool for helping with that realization. When we are truly present, with no story or agenda distracting us, then our heart is open, and we can ‘feel with our heart,’ as Helen Keller says. We can feel the pain and unhappiness of others, and we can also feel the love underneath the ‘story’ and the suffering it produces.

That unwavering connection of love is what heals all wounds, brings balm to our suffering, and fresh, new creative energy to our lives.