Working with the Residues of Grief

Recently I saw a woman, whom I’ll call Alison, who admitted to me that she wasn’t very “free.” She had chronic fibromyalgia, which meant she was in constant pain on the right side of her body, and this affected her ability to work. She worked as a dog-walker for an agency, and they called her at all kinds of odd hours.

When she walked the dogs, she was usually experiencing pain from the fibromyalgia, and while she loved the dogs themselves, because she loved all animals, she mostly obsessed about the pain she felt. Then she was always thinking about the one-person show she had developed, and had performed a number of times (she was an actress). The show was really her life story, and it was in an ongoing state of development. It was her ultimate goal to be performing her show full-time. She wanted to make a professional living from it.

When she saw me the grief in her eyes, her look, was obvious. She told me the story behind it. Her mother had died over two years ago and she missed her terribly, having frequent sobbing fits. I asked her about the thought, the story she told herself when she had these bouts of intense grief. She told me it was always some version of, “I miss you, Mom…”

Then I asked about her cat, Petals, with whom she had been very close for many years, before she died last year. She said it was the same thing. Like her mother, Petals had been a true and constant companion in her life, and now both were gone. As she relayed this story to me, and the emotional memories they evoked, she started sobbing again. She said, through her tears, “I just miss Petals so much…”

I invited her to breathe deeply, slowly, and consciously into her emotional pain, and as she did this, she gradually became more relaxed and present, the weeping stopped, and after awhile, she smiled.

“What’s happening now?” I asked.

“I just feel more present, more here,” Alison said. “The smile was because of a memory, the way Petals always looked at me first, whenever I fed her… It was as if she was asking my permission, like ‘Is it okay for me to eat now?’”

“Tell me a similarly happy memory of your Mom,” I encouraged her.

She thought for a moment, and then smiled again. “Whenever I would worry about something, Mom would always stroke my hair in a particular way, and reassure me… And it always worked. I’d feel reassured, comforted…”

“Good,” I said, and then I invited her to just relax into silence, to experience her true nature as love, peace, and the harmonious flow of being.

After awhile, she smiled again, a smile of contentment. We just enjoyed each other’s presence.

“So, next time the grief comes up” I said, “just be in the pure experience of it, without any story, without telling yourself ‘I miss Mom so much,’ or ‘I miss Petals so much…’

Just allow yourself to surrender to, to honor, the pure feeling of the grief and I promise you, the grief will gradually leave you, and then you’ll have only the warm, feel-good memories of your Mom and Petals.”

I added: “Because we are not our stories, our memories about our departed loved ones… We have stories and memories about everything, of course, but freedom or self-realization is discovering we are not our thoughts and stories, but rather we are always this… This clear, luminous presence that is right here, right now…”

She smiled again as she heard my words. The presence between us was palpable, an exquisite sense of an alive, vibrating current.

“And guess what?”

“What?” she said, leaning toward me.

“As you stop living in the past and become more established in your true nature—in other words, in present-time awareness—the fibromyalgia pain will diminish, if not clear up all together. Either way, it will be manageable, tolerable. Everything becomes tolerable when you live in freedom.”

Testing My Patience

I have a friend, whom I'll call Roger, who is about ten or twelve years younger than me. He works as a handy-man and occasionally works for a trucking firm, loading and unloading trucks. But these are difficult economic times, and he doesn't have a lot or work, so he is behind on his rent. Fortunately, he has a very forgiving and understanding landlord, otherwise he'd be out on the street, and maybe homeless.

We've gotten together a number of times, usually to take a walk at the beach together. Afterwards I always offer to treat him to a meal and/or a drink, which he has difficulty accepting. As he says: "I have a problem with receiving gifts."

It's a common problem. Many others have it too, but it's not a problem I have. As I've written elsewhere, "If someone wants to give you money, or treat you in some other way, welcome it, open yourself to receiving their generosity, unless you really don't need it." Learning to open yourself to giving and receiving is part of the secret of flow, and of creating more abundance in your life.

The reason why I hang out with Roger is that we have a spiritual connection, a heart connection, and because he gives me a special gift: he tests my patience. How so? He is obsessive-compulsive, and his obsession manifests in an a particular way.

Whenever he gets into my car, he always leaves one leg outside the door while he bends forward, closes his eyes, rests his head on his hand, and breathes short, rapid breaths until his kundalini energy is 'just right,' and he can finally pull his leg in and shut the door, and we can drive off. This process can take a few minutes, or as long as ten minutes or more. Of course, the same thing happens when we get to our destination, and he goes to get out of the car!

Now, if I was the type who could be driven crazy, I would of course be driven crazy by this behavior! But I am a free man. I am awake, conscious. I live in the present. But, I am still very much a human being! So, I do get irritated, impatient with him, especially because this is not the only way his obsessive-compulsive behavior manifests.

Whenever he walks, he has to walk in a particular pattern, always clock-wise (I think!), and when he gets to a drive-way, he has to go back, or around it some way... I'm not quite sure, but I know I say to him a lot, "I'll just meet you at such-and-such a place!" And of course if it has been raining, he cannot walk over any wet ground, so that necessitates even more circumvention!

Why do I bother, you may ask? As I said, we have a heart connection. He is essentially a beautiful guy. When I pointed out to him the last time we got together that he spent much of his time preoccupied, and therefore wasn't really present with me, he denied it at first. But I explained myself. "You're preoccupied because you're always having to think about the route you're taking."

Then he got it. It was like an epiphany. It gave him something to really think about. I had offered, at the outset of our relationship, to help him, in whatever way I could, get free of his OCD.

Maybe this was a start.

Try To Be Kinder

My friend, Gil Younger says that as we extend our caring presence to another, we wake up more to the unity of our own true nature.

Extending our caring presence is a beautiful practice, and Gil's wisdom is exactly aligned with my own teaching around truth: that the freer and more conscious we are, the more we connect with everybody in a kind, loving, non-judging way. In short, in a caring way.

The word 'kind' is key here. To speak of 'loving yourself' or 'loving everybody' is really a tall order, and not very specific. You may well ask yourself, what does love really mean? How do I love myself, let alone love everybody else? But to contemplate being kind to yourself, and being kind to others, is manageable, do-able.

After all, what does it mean to be kind? It is simple: to be kind means to be gentle, compassionate, patient, polite, considerate, courteous, gracious, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding... I could go on, but you get the picture. These simple virtues I have just described are really the essence of love. As you embody them, you become a loving or caring person.

Speaking of kindness, I was a fan of Aldous Huxley, the famous British author and philosopher of the last century, for a number of years. It was through Huxley that my own spiritual journey began. I was reading Sybille Bedford's biography of him, and she wrote that Huxley, when asked by a radio interviewer which books he would want if he were marooned on a desert island, said that high on his list would be the Commentaries on Living by J. Krishnamurti.

Bedord then went on to describe Huxley's friendship with the well-known spiritual teacher, whom he met in Ojai, about an hour and a half north of Los Angeles, where Krishnamurti lived. Intrigued, I sent away for the Commentaries on Living and when I received them, those three volumes changed my life, started me on my search for truth, and resulted in the person I am today.

Anyway, Huxley, when asked at the end of his own life what wisdom he had to share with people, said this: "Try to be kinder." Try to be kinder... Indeed, if we could all achieve that, the world would be a much better place for all living in it.

Merging Wisdom with Love

I saw this quote at someone’s house recently, from Helen Keller: ‘The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with heart.’

Then there is this one, from Nisargadatta Maharaj: “Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, love is knowing I am everything, and between the two, my life moves.”

And, finally, this proverb: “The longest journey a man must take is the eighteen inches from his head to his heart.”

So, what do the above quotes have to do with what I want to write about? A new theme, or awareness, or focus of energy, is emerging from the depths of my being, and I got more clarity around it last night, when I attended a satsang, a meeting in truth. The satsang was given by my old friend Krishna, whom I’ve known since the Jean Klein days, when we were both students of his. It was a beautiful gathering of about twenty people, and Krishna was simply present with all of us. The energy of the group was exquisite: relaxed, flowing, deeply harmonious.

Krishna invited people to share. Someone talked about the realization of emptiness as an essential feature of awakening, and someone said how life was fundamentally meaningless. Then someone else said how the only real meaning was love, and that reminded me of the Nisargadatta quote above.

What is emerging from within me is a deeper understanding, a deeper embodiment, of the relationship between emptiness and love—my own journey from my ‘head to my heart,’ you might say!

We have to realize our essential nature as emptiness in order to free ourselves from conflict and suffering, but then the only thing to ‘do’ is to love… to share our love and light with others, and with the world.

This is how the healing of humanity will occur: as each person realizes their natural divinity, the luminous emptiness of their true nature, that realization will move them to take loving action in their daily lives.

The three-step practice of freedom as described in my book, end your story. Begin your life… is a powerful, simple tool for helping with that realization. When we are truly present, with no story or agenda distracting us, then our heart is open, and we can ‘feel with our heart,’ as Helen Keller says. We can feel the pain and unhappiness of others, and we can also feel the love underneath the ‘story’ and the suffering it produces.

That unwavering connection of love is what heals all wounds, brings balm to our suffering, and fresh, new creative energy to our lives.

Discovering Your True Purpose

Over the weekend I noticed myself feeling slightly "off," not quite in my usual flow of peace, harmony, and well-being. I haven't felt this way in a long time, so I knew my energy needed to shift. There were vague, ill-defined "stories" tugging at me, and of course I know I am not my story, but nevertheless, I am all too human, and so am still subject to these residues of the ego-bound "me"...!

There are a number of changes happening in my life right now, and so they are potential distractions. For example, I am seeking a new apartment; my 26 year old son, Adam, is planning on coming to live with me; I am wanting to be in a relationship after seven years, and have been connecting with several new women; I've been feeling chillier this winter in Los Angeles, and have even thought about moving further south...

But I knew none of these distractions was the real issue. So, yesterday afternoon, Sunday, I decided to drive to the beach near Cross Creek in Malibu about an hour before sunset and get stoned, something I hadn't done in a while. As I wrote in end your story. Begin your life... :

Many years ago I was sitting on the deck outside my cottage, enjoying the feeling of being stoned. I was thinking about what the word “pot” meant, and had a revelation: it is an acronym which stands for “perception opened totally.”

Certainly, that was what it had always done for me. It invariably gave me a rich flow of creative insights which I didn’t get in my normal state. The practice in this book, for example, arose out of one such session. It also, of course, enhances kinesthetic sensation, which means it can heighten the experience of activities like movement, dancing, love-making, and listening to or playing music.

But “pot” has another, darker meaning. Your life can go to “pot” if you do it too much. You forget things, make mistakes, and it can destroy the motivation to achieve or accomplish anything. In short, you go unconscious. So, caveat emptor. Let the buyer beware. As with all things in the material world, balance—just the right amount—is the key to maintaining a healthy, vibrant well-being.

I knew that a few tokes would clear my energy and give me the insight into what was going on with me. And indeed that did happen. I realized I had strayed from my purpose in life, my mission, the only reason why I am still here: to serve others, those who are receptive to it, by teaching them the practice of freedom.

And so I was instantly connected and in the flow again. I got out of the car and walked on the beach to watch the sunset. More insights flowed in, but all around this question of purpose. Of course, I've known my true purpose for years now, ever since my awakening in 1995, but this time the knowing was at a deeper level.

Then, while I was on the beach, a woman friend called from Sebastopol, someone whom I hadn't heard from in ages. She was calling for clarification around an issue she had... and I gave her some feedback, and thus fulfilled my purpose! Then later, at dinner at Abuelita's in Topanga, I connected with a couple of people who were having varying degrees of suffering... and again fulfilled my purpose. That's why I moved south to Los Angeles, to get my message out to more people. And it is happening, gradually and slowly.

The practice of freedom, which is the basis of my book, is designed to help you uncover your true purpose for being here. Until you know what your passion, your purpose is, you are like a ship without a rudder, and you don't really know where you are going. You don't really know what to do with your life.

But once you know your true purpose, then you are on fire. You live with a passion and a focus that magnetizes opportunities in support of your mission. Truly, there is no happier way to live than this.

How To Have A Near-Death Experience (NDE) Right Now

The recent film Hereafter, directed by Clint Eastwood, stars Matt Damon as a reluctant psychic who, whenever he touches people in a certain way, has jolting visions of loved ones who have recently died.

I liked the film so much I saw it twice. One of the minor themes is the suggestion that people who have had an NDE have much less fear about death, because they have seen the "other side" and know that somehow everything is okay.

This brings me to the subject of self-realization, or enlightenment. In every spiritual tradition, it is described as a kind of ego death, a dying before you die, a death and a rebirth.

Who or what dies when you become self-realized? It is obvious to anyone who is realized: the little "me," the ego or "I" is what dies, or rather, is seen to be the conceptual illusion is is. Yet we, as the conscious or aware being who is present, are still very much here!

We still have an ego, an I or me thought, but now we know we are not those thoughts. We know that we are not any thought, in fact, but rather the ever-present awareness or being-ness behind our thoughts, our stories.

Once we know that (which is the essence of "self-realization"), then we use thought consciously as a powerful, creative tool, free of any "self" (or "me") interest. Then we can truly contribute to humanity in the ways in which we are drawn.

As we approach the Winter Solstice, the shortest day and longest night of the year, it is a good time to contemplate your own "death" and rebirth. A good subject to meditate on is this: "What if this was my last day on earth? What would I want to do? With whom would I communicate? What do I want my state of mind to be?"

Above all, be present right now. Welcome whatever is arising right now. Remember always: presence is the true power in life, because it brings you into right here, right now... the starting point of any new creative venture.

Riding the Wave of Excitement

Excitement is a natural and healthy part of what it means to be human, but there are definitely different levels, or forms of expression, of excitement.

When we are very young, we get the most excited about good things happening in our lives, hence the expression, "she was beside herself with excitement." When are in our twenties, thirties, or even forties, we may still let out yelps or even screams of delight, but when we're in our fifties or older, the tendency to get excited is still there, but often it's a quieter, more mature expression. Maybe our eyes light up, and we grin with anticipation.

That's how it is with me now. Recently I got news that an insurance settlement that I first applied for four years ago, and that six months ago I was sure I was not going to get at all, may be arriving as early as next week. That will give me much more freedom financially, and I am already planning a 10 day trip to Manila, in the Philippines. I will stay with a friend of thirty years, and I will enjoy, I am sure, the many delights of being a single man, a Westerner, in an exotic Asian country.

So, when I think about my trip, I get a little excited. Yes! But I don't think too much about it, because that would be to dwell in the future, to live always thinking about anticipated events, and of course I don't do that. I live fully in the present, in this timeless, flowing moment of now... I honor the past, keep an eye on the future (including, occasionally, indulging a brief fantasy about my stay in Manila!), but live right here, in this very moment that you are reading this...

Now, is it my ego that gets excited, or is it something deeper? It is both, I feel. It is part of our human personality, which includes the ego, to get excited at the thought of anticipated good things. But the freer we are, the more awake or enlightened, the less identified with any of the thoughts or stories inside our heads, especially ego thoughts. We are simply present here, now, identified (if even we can speak of "being identified") with all that is.

This is how we ride the wave of excitement.